why???????

it just never ends ....
as i blogges about before ... whenever i have a fun or good or happy or joyous day/time, going home ALWAYS always ALWAYS kills it. it's like i'm not supposed to have happiness or something. it's just so frustrating ... you want to know why i'm not skinny? it's because whenever i'm depressed or pissed or just down i eat. and seriously ... i bake things because i like to bake and since "i'm fat" (according to certain people) i get bagged on for making all these things. they say "you need to watch what you eat. we're gonna only give you half protions and hide all the junk food. make sure you can't touch them. but i'm sure you'll just go find them at night time and eat them anyway! just look at all the things you been eating. custard with that extra sugar stuff. chips. cookies. pie. whipped cream. that's why."
i mean if you're going to turn around all the nice things i do then fine. i'll just stop doing what i like to do and stop making things at specific times for certain people when i know they like/want it. if you're saying you need to cut down on things and only point out all the stuff that i made for a special occasion and ate because you need to taste your food first to makae sure you're not giving people crap ... then fine i'll stop. GOD. i try to be nice and make things that will put smiles on people's faces and things ...but all i get in return is "oh you're fat you shouldn't eat that. look all you eat are fatty things. man you have fat legs." no thanks .... oh this is so good. excellent job. wow. great. i just get made fun of and put down.
it's like do you not think that i know that i need to lose a little weight? do you think i only make these not so healthy things to purposely egg you on and give you more amunition to throw at me? do you not think i know that my legs are big? do you think i just loike to bake to be in the way and bothrer you? do you think i that telling me all these negative things don't hurt? do you think that saying all these things is a boost to my self esteem? what the heck goes through your mind when you just constantly say these things to me? what ... oh lets make her feel good and say "man look at your legs. getting a little pudgy."

man ..... nothing good ever lasts. never. i minus well just throw away that box of mango jello/pudding because i'll probably get ragged on for eating that too.

why?????????????????????????????????