WOW!!!

man ... the weather these past few days has just been WOW. i love it. we need this weather more often in SF. sunny and nice enough to not need a jacket.

also, TV tonight was crazy. First it was the Big Brother 9 Finale, then Desperate Housewives, and then Brothers & Sisters. And man was the commercial for Deserate Housewives spot on. it was definitely a "WOW!" episode.

first Big Brother. OMG! reality tv never goes the way i hope. Adam won instead of Ryan. i couldn't believe that Ryan didn't win. only Joshua voted for Ryan. i guess screwing over a lot of the poeple in the end didn't help Ryan. o wells. at least he gets $50,000. and i was kinda glad that James won the favorite juror thing and got $25,000. he needed it cause he's been biking around the country with like no money. Darn A-Baller.

then Desperate Housewives was nuts. so addicting and man were there some unexpected twists. Orson admitting that he ran over Mike, then him and Susan agreeing to try to forgive him, but then Bree kicking him out. then the strange guy claiming to be Dillon's dad. [i personally don't think he's her dad ... he's so creepy ... stalker-esque.] also, the doggy for Carlos is such a cute doggy. i want one. so fluffy too. and then, here's the kicker, the twin boys were the ones who started the fire at Rick's restuarant. Not Tom or, as i suspected, Andrew. what can happen to 2 little boys if the police find out? i don't think they're that old, probably like 10. i think Lynette and Tom are probably going to try to keep it a secret, but secrets always come out on shows, especially DH. and then the preview for next week is even more shocking, Edie with Orson. unbelievable, she seriously needs to stop picking up the other girls' left overs. first mike, then Carlos, now Orson. geez woman.

oh so yesterday, Kathy and I had a nice shopping trip downtown. which we haven't done in a while. we hit the usuals, Forever 21, H&M, and then we also went to the Chanel store, Betsy Johnson, and Louis Vuitton. such pretty and gorgeous bags. [i will one day own a Chanel purse!] i ended up buying two scarves that i've been wanting. you know the ones that are long, with either a design or some nice color. i came with no scarf and went home with two. i love the teal (or as Kathy says, 'Sharon Blue') scarf i bought at H&M. it pops! i also got the $5.90 dress of the day from H&M, it's a tealy flora beachy dress. now i must go to Hawaii to wear it. :D Man do i need to stop shopping.

OH! and for the fun part. Anna helped me get the pretty Medium Chocolate Carly bag from Coach. it smells kinda like new car or something. love it! too bad i couldn't get my mom to pay for it though. o wells.

i also need to find a job. Aero better start scheduling or else!!! i need cash man.

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Big Brother didn't go my way .... as always this season.

i thought A Baller and Rye Bread finally came to their senses and decided to keep Chatie Natie. but no dumbo Ryan chose to evict her and force a tie. then of course as Biotchy Sheila planned ... she evicted Natalie. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Sheila always talks about being able to trust people and that she's trustworthy. Bull S***!!!!!!
she totally lied straight up to Natalie's face this week. and then at the veto acted like she was pained to nominate Natie .... but no she really wasn't. all the diary room tapes they showed of Sheila all had her bad mouthing Natalie and saying 'sorry, you're gone Natalie'. and it wasn't really true that N was clueless about what was goin down. she had little suspicions from the HOH comp to when she was on the block. so yea. and then i mean Sheila keeps saying Natalie is the female James ... but i think she is. she has been talking crap about the people that kinda flip flop on her and then keeps saying "oh I see how it is. if that's how it's gonna be. then fine. wow." she's the nasty one. and i don't think that people can beat her in the end. everyone was nice to her and she didn't really do anything to anyone except now Natalie. ugh! i wanted razy Sheila out a long time ago.
Natalie should've listened to her gut and stayed up in the box to win the HOH. she could've won too. i think Sheila was in pain already ... and Natie was golden up there. man .... i hate this week.

man ... well now Natalie can see Matty again. dunno how much he's gonna like that though. and i bet Chelsia is gonna go crazy and be all "HAH" to her. then Joshua is gonna be super glad that Sharon is still in the game. dang it. now i want Ryan and Adam to be final 2. ooo ... when are they gonna do the new clothes episode??? they always do it. where they do a luxury comp and 2 people win a like 2 minute shopping spree from the racks they supply. hmmmmmm. i guess that'll probably be next week. cause there's 4 people now.

but i am glad that Ryan is HOH this week. though i really wanted Natalie to still be in the house and then have won the HOH ... but now i change who i'm rooting for. darn its.

how do you feel? ???????

well me .... earlier was good. then just hours maybe not even .... they took a total 180 and went straight down like everything else that ever goes up. i guess i'm on the emotional roller coaster that we call life.
today just totally got worse .... so bad that i just couldn;t take it and i felt really trapped. i frantically searched for my keys, grabbed a jacket, and bolted. i really wanted to just run and not look back .... but i just walked up my block and sat and leaned on the big wooden pole for a while. let my thoughts run wild and try to think how i've been feeling lately. then i walked up and back down and then around my block. then i finally went home.

so .... i can't live without music .... and that's how i chose to let it all out.

HURT AT FIRST, A LITTLE BIT,
BUT NOW I’M SO OVER
I’M SO OVER IT…
AND I’M OVER YOUR MOUTH
TRYING TO DRAG ME DOWN,
AND FILL ME WITH SELF-DOUBT
OHH.
AIN’T NO USE
DON’T ASK ME WHY,
YOU’LL NEVER CHANGE,
THERE’LL BE NO MORE CRYING IN THE RAIN.
THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME WISHING ON A WISHING STAR
I KEEP SINGING DON’T KNOW WHY I DO
STOP & STARE, I THINK I’M MOVIN’ BUT I GO NO WHERE
YEA, I KNOW THAT EVERYONE GETS SCARED
BIUT I BECOME WHAT I CAN’T BE WHOA OA OA OA
STOP & STARE, YOU START TO WONDER WHY YOU’RE HERE NOT THERE
DO, DOYOU GOT A FIRST AID KIT HANDY ?
NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK FOR ME
BABY (BABY)
THIS SITUATION IS DRIVING ME CRAZY
DAMAGED (DAMAGED)
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS
MY HEART IS MISSING SOME PIECES
I NEED THIS PUZZLE PUT TOGETHER AGAIN
CAN YOU FIX MY H-E-A-R-T
WHY AM I OUT HERE STEADY SEARCHIN’?
DON’T TELL ME YOU’RE SORRY CUZ YOU’RE NOT
THIS JUST LOOKS LIKE THE RE-RUN
PLEASE, WHAT ELSE IS ON
GO ON AND TAKE A BOW
I DIDN’T NEED THE PAIN
ONCE OR TWICE WAS ENOUGH
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT YOU’RE FROZEN
I KEEP, KEEP BLEEDING LOVE
KEEP BLEEDING
KEEP, KEEP BLEEDING LOVE
YOU CUT ME OPEN
AND IT’S DRAINING ALL OF ME OH THEY FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE I'LL BE WEARING THESE SCARS FOR EVERYONE TO SEE
TELL ME HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH NO AIR
IT’S SO HARD FOR ME TO BREATHE
TELL ME HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH NO AIR
CAN’T LIVE, CAN’T BREATHE WITH NO AIR
THERE’S NO AIR, NO AIR
SO MANY TIMES I WANNA SAY WHAT’S ON MY MIND
ALL YOU EVER GOT TO DO IS CHANGE THE STATION ON YOUR DIAL
WHAT MORE CAN I SAY
MY FEELINGS … HAVE GONE WAY OUT OF CONTROL (CONTROL)
WHAT MORE CAN I DO
I’M HOLDING ON YOUR ROPE,
GOT ME TEN FEET OFF THE GROUND
I’M HEARIN WHAT YOU SAY BUT I JUST CAN’T MAKE A SOUND
YOU TELL ME THAT YOU NEED ME
THEN YOU GO AND CUT ME DOWN, BUT WAIT
IT’S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE
IT’S TOO LATE
BUT I’M AFRAID…..
IT’S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE, IT’S TOO LATE
I SAID IT’S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE, IT’S TOO LATE

SONGS:
- over it by Katherine mcphee
- teardrops on my guitar by taylor swift
- stop and stare by one republic
- damaged by danity kane
- under my nose by Colby o’donis
- Take a bow by rihanna
- Bleeding love by Leona lewis
- No air by jordin sparks & chris brown
- I know by billy miles
- Apologize by one republic

GO .... STOP ... GO ...

yea my life lately has been pretty go stop go. at least with school.
every Wednesday and Thursday i do the same thing. go to school in the morning ... go home for lunch or whatever ... then go back to school for one last class. it's kinda pathetic how my life really doesn't have much else besides school. i mean i'm not complaining or anything ... b/c i like not having any other responsibilities right now. i do need a job ... but i don't think that i could handle my classes this semester and a job. i remember working last Nov to Dec and i always felt tired after getting off of work. so if i had to do that now and do crap for Accounting or ISYS or whatever, i don't think i'd learn very much and my grades would probably suffer a lot.

i also do the same repition when practicing driving. i go with my dad to pick up my brothers pretty much everyday. and it's the same thing ....same streets all the time. go to the school ... stop and park .... get the bro .... go back home. kinda taking my wanting to drive feeling away. just not feelin it anymore.

but TV will make me happy tonight ... new OTH and HIMYM and THE HILLS. although i do need to do my acct homework too. i guess i'll try to do it after dinner and then off to TV land!!!!

why???????

it just never ends ....
as i blogges about before ... whenever i have a fun or good or happy or joyous day/time, going home ALWAYS always ALWAYS kills it. it's like i'm not supposed to have happiness or something. it's just so frustrating ... you want to know why i'm not skinny? it's because whenever i'm depressed or pissed or just down i eat. and seriously ... i bake things because i like to bake and since "i'm fat" (according to certain people) i get bagged on for making all these things. they say "you need to watch what you eat. we're gonna only give you half protions and hide all the junk food. make sure you can't touch them. but i'm sure you'll just go find them at night time and eat them anyway! just look at all the things you been eating. custard with that extra sugar stuff. chips. cookies. pie. whipped cream. that's why."
i mean if you're going to turn around all the nice things i do then fine. i'll just stop doing what i like to do and stop making things at specific times for certain people when i know they like/want it. if you're saying you need to cut down on things and only point out all the stuff that i made for a special occasion and ate because you need to taste your food first to makae sure you're not giving people crap ... then fine i'll stop. GOD. i try to be nice and make things that will put smiles on people's faces and things ...but all i get in return is "oh you're fat you shouldn't eat that. look all you eat are fatty things. man you have fat legs." no thanks .... oh this is so good. excellent job. wow. great. i just get made fun of and put down.
it's like do you not think that i know that i need to lose a little weight? do you think i only make these not so healthy things to purposely egg you on and give you more amunition to throw at me? do you not think i know that my legs are big? do you think i just loike to bake to be in the way and bothrer you? do you think i that telling me all these negative things don't hurt? do you think that saying all these things is a boost to my self esteem? what the heck goes through your mind when you just constantly say these things to me? what ... oh lets make her feel good and say "man look at your legs. getting a little pudgy."

man ..... nothing good ever lasts. never. i minus well just throw away that box of mango jello/pudding because i'll probably get ragged on for eating that too.

why?????????????????????????????????

on a lighter note ...

you know what's funny?

my IYSY teacher said a few classes ago .... that it's funny how we won't dare speak to the stranger next to us in class, or raise our hand in class, but we are willing to put more personal things online for the whole world to see.

it's just funny how our minds work.

in my isys class we do these silly little brain teasers each class and here's todays:

22 55
36 good 90
71 188

so what do you see here?
(i noticed that this doesn't really show up properly but you still might get it)
if you don't know .... then i'll tell you in the next blog.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm really not having a good week at all.

it's full of crap that i don't want to do, family that i really don't want to be around for countless reasons, all sorts of thoughts sloshing around in my mind that i can't stop thinking about, and just life sucking right now.

again, today started off wonderfully. i got my FREE Jamba Juice this morning (got the pomegranate passion all fruit smoothie), got a seat on all the buses i took, got to class early, understood the material, and didn't have too much bus troubles. then i get home and it all goes down the crapper! i get called a retard for the way i word things, get called fat and "you need to lose weight" speech as always, and now i just feel all shitty again.

i tell my mom that i got a huge bruise and i need the "teet da" medicine and i get ignored. then i ask her again and i get yelled at. i say "i'm trying to ask you where it is and you don't help at all!" then she goes "Oh, well it where it always is ... unless you moved it." then i go look there and it isn't there and i get yelled at a little more. like "come on ... open your eyes then" kind of crap. and before i can go back and look for the stuff, she stops me and grabs my leg and says man your legs are huge and that i need to lose weight. then i finally find it and rub it in and it hurts like a mother freakin' bloop!

so they've made me cry three days in a row now. i mean not balling and crying hysterically, but some tears and runny nose and just making me feel really horrible. so Sunday i get scolded because my brother asks all these dumb questions and i try to explain it to him that he's wrong and then i get in trouble for bickering cause he doesn't stop. made me wish in stayed home cause then none of it would have happened. then Monday they put down my major again. and now today i try to get help with my bruise and i get called fat! i mean i know that i have chunky legs. i always have and most likely always will. and there not even fatty. they're actually sore for some reason in my thighs. and if you poke my legs they're hard but in the back has a little flab. and my calves are and always will be triangular. i have runner's legs, but i don't run (and don't like to for that matter.) and especially now, they're even more defined than ever. ugh ... i hate my legs.

i mean i know that i need to stop eating junk food and exercise. i want to, but it kinda hard when my whole house is full of it and that i don't really have the motivation to go to the gym. nor do i really have the time to go either. i have a crapload of stuff that's just piling up because i procrastinate so darn much nowadays.

man .... i just want to go outside and scream and then go sit somewhere other than in my home and draw and watch the ocean waves crash or something.

I REALLY NEED TO GET AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what a bloop day ...

today kinda sucked. it started off okay ... even though i had a midterm. i was able to sleep in a little ... studied and read all the stuff for the Astronomy midterm ... then got to class early. though the buses were really crazy packed ... i was sitting and the girl standing next to me was extremely close to me. she was like leaning on me and her sling bag was like on me and then swung in front of me. she didn't move either ... even after i pushed her bag and stuff. then the girl next to me blew her nose and all this tissue paper dust flew all over the place. ewwww!!!! then she got off at Stones and then the lady sat next to me and she smelled really bad. kinda like medicine but with a hint of funk. gross. i tried to hold my breath from Stones to State but i had to take a couple breaths in between. the first one i sucked in all that nasty smell and then i turned away to breathe. then i tried to like jump off the bus to breathe good air.

I hate the bus. weird smells, gross people, inconsiderate people, all sorts of other not happy things.

then i got food with Anna after our midT which was good. but then when i walked to the bus stop the sign said 23 minutes. Outrageous!!! it didn't come for like 35 minutes. then i decided to get off on Taraval to catch an L bus cause they usually come quickly, but not today. i had to wait like another15 minutes. then the 3 block walk was full of weird people that i would have like to avoid. then i was able to relax in the comfort of my own home and watch some TV, eat, and be happy. food always makes things all better.

then since my dad twisted his ankle today, he asked me to drive to the school to get my brother ... which i didn't want to do ... and then there's all this other crap when we get home about dishes. geez ... i mean i try to soak something and since he didn't see it and spilled water on the floor, i get in trouble. args.

then during dinner there's always the never good "you should be a .... " talk. today it was a nurse. i've told my mom that i can't do blood, yet she still pushes it. then my dad jumped in and it made me feel kinda bad. i mean it's like everyone is against what i want to do. i wanna do marketing, but no one really supports it. although today was partly my fault because i asked about getting a blood test and then it spiraled into this. all i wanted to know was how much it was and my mom said it's free for us. then they ask why and i want one because i think i might have a thyroid problem. then my dad started saying things that basically meant "you're crazy to worry about that so young. you're too paranoid." i mean i probably don't but when i went to the doctor a few months ago, she felt my throat and asked if i have a history of it in my family. i don't but i can still have it cause it's very common. i really don't wanna get a blood test but i should just do it to calm my nerves and thoughts. and now i also have trouble swallowing. i think it's cause i'm sick with a sore throat but i don't remember feeling like this before. so many issues.

and to top it all off ... i have all this school work that needs to be done this week. Accounting problems that shouldn't take too long, then a mini quiz for that class too ... and i forgot to buy more scantrons. ughs! then my Thursday class has a small research paper due, and my group presentation is in 2 weeks and we haven't started our research. i also have to go to a Mexican restaurant with my group so we can build a menu as part of the project too ... but that's just on Thurs. after class. i also have a quiz for my ISYS computer class on Thursday... and i haven't been doing so good on those. must study this time.

i'm really not liking this week. school sucks.

right now i just want to stay in bed and watch hours of Gilmore Girls and not have a care in the world. at least "The Hills" is on tonight which will be good. another full hour too. though i hope that since they've been showing 2 episodes the past two weeks, that there will be less days for episodes. uh-oh.

right now my only calmer is music (stop and stare by one republic, i know by billy miles, damaged by danity kane, teardrops on my guitar by taylor swift, take a bow by rihanna, and some others), television, eating, sleeping, and friends.

when will the craziness be over? [ right now i think never! ]

i need art in my life again to feel better .....

i really need to just get away .... far far away!!!!!!

life is...

what is life? is it good or bad, happy or sad, up or down, what is it?

well for me right now it's a crazy roller coaster that doesn't seem to end. it has it's ups and downs and then it has all these loops, twists, turns, tunnels, dips, spins, stops, drops, corkscrews, inversions, hangs, and all sorts of wacko things. when ever i have a good day or something that makes me feel good happens, once i get home something will just kill it. without a doubt, my fun, happiness never seems to last long.

first it's school, then it's homework, then it's family, and then it's trying to find a job, then it's dealing with a (half) job, then it's finding time to have fun, and then it's "trying" to clean things up in my room, then something else will add to the hectic spin cycle that never stops. i guess it's like the ride at Disneyworld, Space Mountain. you're on a little roller coaster thing, buckled in, and it's this fast whoosh of all these twists, turns, drops, stops, ups, and downs all in the dark. i don't really know where i'm going, what's coming up next, or what the end will be. (actually for the SM ride, i know how it ends and basically what happens because i've been on it a bunch of times, but you know what i mean.) but the ride called Sharon's Life is totally unknown. it's new, big, crazy, and untested ... so who knows what will happen next. but one thing's for certain ... it will definitely involve the people i love, food, tv, and LOTS of clothes and SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now who's in?